GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
