wanna go halves on a baby?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
