Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
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These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
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You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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