all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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