I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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