I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
