i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
