Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
false alarm, still single
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