Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
