this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
