Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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