when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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