Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Randomize
