so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
