So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
