Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
