I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
