I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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