Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
