I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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