I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
