remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
