I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
