Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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