I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
