I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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