remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
