Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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