I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
