I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
