Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
