Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
