I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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