Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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