glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
