Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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