i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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