i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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