I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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