It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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