I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
