true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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