____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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