if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
