We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
