If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize