I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
