I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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