shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
