Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
