I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
