It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
