just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
