If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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