i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
