Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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