Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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