god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
honey bunches of taint.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
