The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
