I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
