Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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