I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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